Robin DeSanto
Robin DeSanto is a character in both the It's Walky! and Shortpacked! portions of the Walkyverse, as well as a minor character in Dumbing of Age. In both continuities she is the older sister of both Roz and Riley DeSanto. Walkyverse A hyperactive, sugar-fueled crackpot, Robin DeSanto has few boundaries and even less patience. She notices the worst things and asks the wrong questions. She first worked for a secret government agency where she got her alien-enhanced body that allows her to move at super-speed. Her powers run on sugar; it has been remarked that she often "smells like Skittles". After her first job fell through, Robin wanted for a job with a little less responsibility, and so she wandered into a toy store. Hired on the spot by Galasso, the owner of Shortpacked, she now enjoys wacky hijinx and toy jokes instead of "must-save-the-world" pressure and meddles incessantly in the mundane lives of her fellow employees. Her super-speed and combat skills look like they might just one day play a role in her job description, however. History Robin's parents had a contentious marriage, not least of all because Mr. DeSanto was never entirely faithful to his wife. With her mother and father constantly at each others' throats, Robin's childhood was far from happy. Robin received abductee powers almost by accident; instead of being selected for enhancement, she snuck aboard the Head Alien's ship during a routine check-up and confronted him, declaring that she wanted super-speed so she could get far, far away from her family issues. Head Alien obliged, although it would be years before Robin remembered that she had been subjected to the procedure. Before unlocking her full powers, she attended at least one prom - which almost led to her losing her virginity to someone named Miles - and eventually graduated high school. However, after her father abandoned her mother, Robin finally recalled her super-speed abilities, and ran away from home. At some point near the turn of the millennium, she was recruited by SEMME and assigned to Squad 82. It's Walky! Robin was re-assigned to Squad 128 by Linda Walkerton after Mike Warner was hospitalized by David Walkerton. She quickly proceeded to drive everyone in the squad insane, especially Joe, with whom she was sharing Mike's old room. As time went on, however, Joe began to suspect Robin was actually his mysterious "R"-named internet girlfriend, causing some tension between them. Eventually, this passed and they became friends of a sort; over time, Robin even began developing feelings for him. That said, when Joe finally met Rachel in real life, Robin was quick to defend him against Rachel's initial disgust and encouraged them to pursue a relationship. Robin later participated in the final battle against the Martians. Shortpacked! After leaving SEMME, Robin traveled the nation, blowing her SEMME severance pay on Smarties and Fruit Roll-Ups. When the money finally ran dry, she took a job at the Shortpacked! toystore, where she was initially shocked to find fellow SEMME veteran Mike was not only alive again, but also her new co-worker. She quickly developed a crush on Ethan Siegal and spent most of her early career at the store devising ever-more elaborate ways to try and seduce him, even after being informed that he was actually gay. Soon after joining the staff at Shortpacked!, she moved in with fellow employee Amber O'Malley, arguing that the resulting zany, sitcom-esque relationship would keep her from getting utterly sucked dry by the ravages of retail. Amber was less than pleased, especially once Robin started poking at her about her internet boyfriend, Nathan. The Drama Tag Eventually, Robin grew disquieted by the complete lack of drama or tragedy at the store and wound up seeking refuge in the Shortpacked! stockroom. While there, she noticed a mysterious plastic tag stuck in the wall and pulled it on a whim. It was only then that she discovered that she'd actually pulled the store's Drama Tag. Almost immediately, Amber's abusive father, Blaine O'Malley, appeared in the store. When she frantically attempted to replace the Tag, Robin was confronted by Head Alien II, who advised her to get out before the store became "so miserably emo that no sane being will be able to stand it." She chose to ignore his advice, instead trying to cure the drama through large doses of wacky hijinks. Her plan was somewhat derailed by the appearance of an armed robber, who nearly killed her. The Tag was lost in the resulting confusion, and ultimately burned by Galasso. She next turned her attentions back to Amber, determined to make her roommate "intimidatingly hot" to ward off Faz's highly creepy attentions. Her scheme worked... up to a point. However, not even aggressive pretend lesbianism could dissuade Faz from pursuing Amber. Election to Congress Sometime later, Robin consumed a massive amount of sugar (in the form of Cadbury Egg cereal) and woke up as a Congresswoman, having been elected after promising that she would convince Hasbro to make a Funeral Gown Padme figure (with casket accessory). Despite being terrified by the responsibilities of her new position, Robin elected to stay in power once she was told that she did not want to piss off her new-found constituency of necrophiliac Star Wars fans. She then proceeded to cause a near-riot in the House by showing up with a novelty sombrero, leading to a run on funny-looking hats. Though she quickly grew disenchanted with politics, Robin made good use of her congressional paychecks. First order of business: flying Amber to Iowa to meet Nathan in person. As with most of Robin's schemes, this ultimately did more harm than good. Her next plot - to make Ethan admit he was gay by setting him up with Galasso's daughter, Conquest - similarly failed in spectacular fashion when Ethan actually slept with Conni, briefly earning himself a promotion in the process. In her resulting depression, Robin went on a Hi-C bender, then had a pool installed in her apartment's kitchen, complete with a hunky lifeguard named Colin Ethan. She cheered up somewhat after she realized she could blackmail Ethan into a date by threatening to reveal his homosexuality to Galasso. "My Lesbian" Determined to break through Ethan's gayness at all costs, Robin suddenly claimed to be a lesbian, figuring that being unattainable would make her more desirable. She enlisted the help of Conquest (through the promise of licky-style makeouts) and the rest of the male Shortpacked! staff (through the videotaping of said makeouts), and even went as far as to pick up Leslie Bean, a checkout girl at the gang's local supermarket. However, her careful planning collapsed fairly quickly after Ethan told Leslie Robin was straight (sending her running off in despair), then kissed Robin "to prove a point," ending the whole charade. Having now alienated all of the store's staff, Robin wound up temporarily moving in with Leslie, the only person who still thought she was kind of OK. The two remained on good terms, despite Robin's assertion that she was not actually a lesbian. The Tome of Ages Looking for a way to rebuild her friendships with the store team, Robin entered the Shortpacked! store room in search of the Drama Tag. What she found instead (with heavy prompting from Galasso) was the Tome of Ages, a religious text that claimed Shortpacked! and Toys 'R Us were once a single unified corporation - and could be again with the arrival of the messianic figure known as the Second Eaton. Robin played along with this charade for two months before Galasso finally grew bored of it. Ultra Car Arrives Robin later sent a letter to Joe asking for "some kind of equipment" to track down the Drama Tag. What she instead got was Ultra Car, Joe's cranky, sentient alien-fighting hybrid vehicle. Though Ultra Car failed to locate the Tag (after all of five seconds of scanning), Robin convinced UC to stick around as the store's Stock Manager. The two soon formed a begrudging friendship, despite UC's general disdain for humanity. Later, Robin attempted to help Ethan with his customer service issues by transforming him into a "ranting, crazy fanboy", which she eventually accomplished by slapping bumper stickers on his car until he devolved into a raving moron. The plan lasted up until the point that Ultra Car destroyed Ethan's vehicle with acetone, determined to remain the most assholish car in existence. However, this did have the unexpected upside of bringing Ethan closer Thad, an equally opinionated toy collector and store regular. Robin declared them to be an OTP and swiftly set about trying to find incredibly contrived ways to get the two of them bangin'. (And drew some incredibly anatomically inaccurate fan-art.) Flashbacking Still hell-bent on stopping the store's descent into emo-dom, Robin spent a less-than-productive day pouncing on and tying up store employees to stop them from having traumatic, backstory-establishing flashbacks. Proposition 469 Deciding to use her congressional powers to make a difference, Robin created Proposition 469, a law that would ban all cancer forever. However, she then realized that she could amend the bill to add a provision that would force Ethan to get together with Thad, and went as far as enlisting Ronald Reagan's help in promoting it. Later, Leslie made her own amendment, which would have legally required Robin to kiss her if the Proposition passed. In the midst of campaigning, however, Robin discovered that Amber had previously had sex with Ethan, making Robin the only girl in the store who hadn't slept with him. Depressed, she admitted to Leslie that she was still a virgin, and resolved to jump the first hetero man she saw. When that turned out to be Ronald Reagan, she decided to just accept the fact that she was going to remain a virgin for the foreseeable future. Summer Slump With Ethan off visiting his family in Phoenix for the Fourth of July, Robin took it upon herself to fend off a (non-existent) summer sales slump by ordering the store team to "wow up" some foot traffic. This left Robin wandering around in her underwear while Amber got a makeover, Faz had sex with Ninja Rick, and all the male employees got [http://www.shortpacked.com/index.php?id=691 dubious Yu-Gi-Oh! hairstyles.] Oh, and then Mike totally banged both Ethan and Amber at the same time. Feud with Sarah Palin When John McCain announced that he had selected Sarah Palin as his running mate, Robin was outraged: being an attractive, poorly-informed doofus was her schtick, damn it! So she worked through her frustrations in the most obvious way: by buying Leslie a house using campaign donations solicited from NAMBLA and moving in with her. With plenty of space left, she decided to invite the rest of the team to come live with her. This left Ethan and Amber sharing a room, as neither of them wanted to let the other shack up with Mike. Having fulfilled one of her lifelong dreams, Robin launched into a full-on feud with Palin, culiminating in a fistfight at a McCain rally. Voting on Proposition 469 At this point, Proposition 469 was finally up for vote, amendments and all. However, Robin's proposed legislation ultimately failed at the polls after Mike walked off with all of the ballots. After the news came in, Robin still kissed Leslie, figuring [http://www.shortpacked.com/index.php?id=775 there should at least be some winners that night.] (However, she still wasn't ready to move their beds together.) Shortly thereafter, Robin discovered Amber was writing supernatural romance novels starring a handsome mummy named Lance, an extremely fanciful reinterpretation of the Mike-Amber-Ethan love triangle. Robin was disappointed to find out that she'd been written into the story as Obnoxia, the Harpy Queen - [http://www.shortpacked.com/index.php?id=788 the only character who didn't get laid.] Store Revolt When Galasso attempted to fire the store's crew after slower-than-expected Black Friday sales, Robin knocked him out with a sign. Twice. She then convinced Ethan to take over the store. Robin was on vacation at Dino Park with Mike when former Shortpacked! employee Sydney Yus attempted to take advantage of Galasso's absence to destroy the store forever, missing out on the ensuing fight. After her return, Ethan began having second thoughts about imprisoning Galasso. Robin had him locked him up in the office and decided that the remaining members would fight (probably to the death, but only probably) to see who would succeed Ethan as the store's manager. After a (highly sexually charged) battle, Leslie decided she couldn't just be Robin's "friend" anymore and told her they could no longer see each other. Somewhat shellshocked, Robin went to the park to try and settle her feelings about Leslie. There, she met Ronnie, who convinced her to pursue a legitimate lesbian relationship. Return to Shortpacked! Despite agreeing to take things to the next level, Robin was still reluctant to even share a bed with Leslie - something the tabloids quickly picked up on. Shortly thereafter, Robin got another unpleasant surprise with the arrival of her... sexually liberal sister, Roz DeSanto. However, Roz turned out to be the push Robin needed to be genuinely intimate with her girlfriend. When news surfaced that the Shortpacked! store was shutting down for good, Robin used a little gentle persuasion on Leslie to enlist her help in saving the store. On a contact high from Robin's rampant sugar consumption, Leslie not only got the entire gang re-hired, but proposed sweeping changes to the store that earned her Galasso's respect. (Arguably the more impressive of the two feats.) Matchmakin' Sexmasters Noticing Ethan was down in the dumps after Leslie replaced him as the store's golden child, Robin attempted to cheer him up in the most obvious possible way: by getting him a male prostitute from Wal-Mart. In a twist nobody could have seen coming, her plot backfired: instead of getting Ethan laid, she actually torpedoed his chances with Manny, who he met at a comedy club earlier that evening. Robin's next scheme involved setting Ethan up with an online dating profile, this time with Leslie's assistance. This was somewhat more successful, and ultimately introduced Ethan to Drew. Amber Moves Out While spying on Ethan's date with Drew, Leslie kissed Amber to avoid getting spotted. Robin argued that this entitled her to make out with Amber, too, so she bribed Mike and surprised her housemate in the shower. Leslie retaliated by also bribing Mike into letting her slip into bed with Amber. When Robin demanded an explanation for the sudden makeout escalation, Leslie pointed out that while she wasn't attracted to Amber, Robin was - and that knowledge was starting to nag at Leslie. Robin decided to fix the problem by booting Amber out of the house kindly inviting Amber to move out. Though Leslie later recanted, Amber figured it made more sense to move out anyway - not least of all because it would reduce the amount of random same-sex molestation in her life. The Cadbury Bender Despite having been absent during the Axis of Something's first attack on the store, Robin later became a target for Sydney Yus after she decided to run against Robin in the 8th Congressional District. Sydney tried to actively force Robin out of the race by kidnapping Leslie and sending the reconvened Axis (complete with new member Sarah Palin, Robin's old nemesis) to do battle with her. Robin unsurprisingly wiped the floor with them. Despite this, Robin ultimately lost her seat, thanks in large part to Sydney's hyperbolic attack ads and Robin's own unwillingness to campaign after discovering that Amber and Faz were related. In the aftermath, Robin embraced her despair and went "full goth". Fortunately for all concerned, this phase didn't last, and Robin eventually went back to Congress determined to pass at least one more piece of legislation: a bill that would solve all problems, ever. Teaming up with fellow Congress doofus Jake Manley, she once again ate Cadbury Creme Egg "cereal", hoping the resulting sugar rush would give her the insight she needed to fix the world's woes. It worked... after a fashion. The eggs alone weren't enough, but made Robin realize that in order to achieve world peace, she also needed to find inner peace with herself. That meant fulfilling one of the many things on her to-do list: banging a dude. After discussing matters with Leslie, Leslie reluctantly gave her blessing. But when a sex tape featuring Robin and Jake Manley (accidentally) hit the internet several days later, Leslie decided enough was enough and kicked Robin out of the house. Robin finally came off her bender to find herself in a cardboard box in Times Square. The DeSanto/Manley Act created world peace, but at great personal cost. Barred from her own home, Robin first attempted to seek out Jake Manley, but found him to be an annoying, immature idiot. (In other words, her, but with a wiener.) She finally found refuge at Mike and Amber's apartment, much to Amber's dismay. Love Polygon A few awkward weeks later, Robin traveled to Denver to seek out Joe's advice and talk through her issues. Robin's relationship drama soon hit yet another low when new hire Malaya began showing an interest in Leslie. This led to a rapidly escalating fight between Robin and Malaya, culminating with Robin seducing Leslie in full-on Leia costume. However, Leslie quickly realized that Robin hadn't actually grown up at all since their argument, and left again. During Mike and Amber's wedding, Robin met up with Joe, who lamented the fact that he was the only one of his friends who was still unmarried. Robin responded by kissing him. She also convinced Joe to invest in the Shortpacked! store, allowing Galasso to open a new branch in Denver. However, Leslie wasn't willing to give up on Robin that easily, and when Joe and Robin boarded Ultra Car to travel to Denver, Leslie stowed away in the car's trunk. In Denver, Leslie attempted to reconcile with Robin, but Robin told her that she didn't want to betray Joe by running off on him again. When Leslie realized Robin was drinking pure Mountain Dew syrup, she swept in for a licky-style kiss. The resulting contact high landed her at an interdimensional portal with Ultra Car, and eventually in an alternate dimension. Robin charged in after her, and wound up saving her from Head Alien II. In the aftermath, the two finally made up again, and Robin moved back into Leslie's house. Leslie suggested that they take it slow to begin with - a resolution that lasted less than five minutes. Tying the Knot After meeting Robin's nephew, Manny, Leslie asked Robin if she wanted children. Robin initially said "yes" but quickly had second thoughts after remembering how unhappy her own family life was. However, her sister Riley was eventually able to talk her down, and Robin decided it was time to do what she should have done a long time ago: propose to Leslie. (In the form of sandwiches with the crusts cut off, naturally.) The two later went to see Joe to discuss ways to have children. He hooked them up with a special Super Soaker capable of taking sperm and rewriting it with a genetic code of their choice, which may or may not have been [http://www.shortpacked.com/index.php?id=2003 inspired by an episode of Justice League Unlimited.] After a... generous donation from Ethan, Robin was impregnated and - thanks to her enhanced metabolism - gave birth to triplets: Abby, Gabby, and Tabby DeSanto. Trivia *Her family is originally from Ohio. *In her spare time, Robin puts fists in her mouth, apparently indiscriminately. *She once ate 1,873 doughnuts. *Robin's other life goals: Be a rock star, own all the Skittles in the world, marry Doogie Howser, and [http://www.shortpacked.com/index.php?id=1178 steal the auto-tuner away from those damn Glee kids.] *Raised "sorta Catholic". Dumbing of Age Robin DeSanto is a member of Congress, having won her seat after beating some white guy. Her district includes Bloomington, the town where Indiana University is located, as well as a number of rather more conservative towns. As a result, she has been forced to tack to the right to keep her seat, leading to her running on a "family values" platform. Robin made an unexpected appearance on campus in an effort to defuse the fallout from her sister's sex tape. This had somewhat mixed results. Leslie Bean, Roz's Gender Studies teacher, is currently nursing a bit of a crush on Robin. Roz hopes to exploit this to hook the two of them up and teach her sister a lesson or two about sexual liberty in the process. So far, Leslie hasn't been opposed to the idea. Trivia *Wears glasses, but only to make herself look more intelligent in public. *Robin slept in on her own election day and therefore did not vote. *She suggested setting up a political marriage between Roz and Tony. Nobody went for it. Gallery Robin doa.jpg Category:Characters Category:Shortpacked! Category:It's Walky! 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